12 Sep a momentary lapse of confidence…
I love long baths. (and everyone knows long baths must be accompanied by a good book… and sometimes wine. but it was early.)
So that is what I was doing this morning (lounging in a warm bath, reading a delicious book) when a strange and troublesome thought overtook me.
It came and went quickly; skipping across me like a flat stone on a lake. The thought caused me to weep a moment, and then the bastard signed a lease on the next few hours of solitary “me time,” making me feel just a wee bit heavy of heart.
“What if you’re nothing special?”
What was that!? Was that self-doubt? huh. that’s weird. I’ve never done that before.
It’s not that I never get sad. never question my levels of motivation and determination. never consider the consequences of my decisions and actions on myself or those I love. But self-doubt, actual, raw self-doubt, is not something I contend with. I don’t walk through life thinking I can’t do something… I’ve always approached things from the viewpoint that if there is something I really want, I go get it. I don’t worry that I’m not good enough.
My core is confident.
but this morning, some random thing from “outside” launched a sneak attack and tried to chip away at my lining. It tried to reach through me and eat a piece of me. It tried to take something from me, attempted to darken my personal doorstep. And just for an instant, the instant in which tears fell… for all of one, single, solitary second…
It’s possible I believed it.
It was like stumbling. There’s a moment when you attempt to catch yourself, a moment before you right yourself and regain your footing, a moment when you almost, nearly… fall. Whoops! Did anyone see that? Laugh it off. Keep going.
That’s what happened. I tripped. Stumbled. Almost fell.
But then, after the moment (or moments) had passed, there was an even better moment waiting for me. The one which echoed back loudly across that ridiculous canyon of doubt, shouting…
“Of course you’re special, you daft ninny!”
(my higher self is a wee bit snarky.)